God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
