dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
