First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
