He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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