he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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