Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
