I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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