Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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