My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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