32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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