sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
