When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
