I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
