I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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