God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
