Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
