I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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