Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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