He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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