Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
