i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
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