I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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