you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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