I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
