The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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