I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
