new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
