we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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