i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
