I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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