Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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