You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
