Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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