I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
