I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
