he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
