So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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