they need to just BURY HIM!
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
