I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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