Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
