I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
