I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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