Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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