Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
