I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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