All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
