Plan B is the new Plan A
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
