I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
