the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
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