My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
